This may have been a generational thing, but when I was young, kids would passionately stick out their tongue followed by, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The truth is, ugly words did hurt and they still do. Spiteful words can make you feel as if a vice has gripped your heart. People say hurtful words all the time to each other. Sometimes it’s inadvertently done, while other times it’s quite deliberate. Yet, there are folks who, (among friends) throw a barrage of insults back and forth like playing a tennis match. And, they are fine with it! So is it necessarily the word, or the individual that determines the offense?
If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or stung during a conversation, whether it’s with your boss, friend, date or relative, then you may want to exam the impact of their words. The person who says, “Oh, that doesn’t bother me, so it shouldn’t bother you,” also has a trigger word that offends them. Your gauge may be dissimilar to theirs because your life-experiences are different. And no, it’s not in your head; you have a right to honor your feelings.
1) Your friend jokes about your short-comings when a group of people are around. Tell her privately that you know she’s joking, but it doesn’t feel that way to your ears. Then let her know to stop from this point on if she values the friendship.
2) Your boss calls your infrequent slipups “stupid” or “dumb.” In private, let your boss know that you want the relationship to remain professional, which means no insulting words. Whether you are seeing red flags pointing to your release or not, no one deserves verbal abusive.
3) Your mother-in-law makes comparisons with how well she cares for her son while dismissing your efforts. Let her know you appreciate her concern; however, belittling you hurts your feelings.
4) Your cousin constantly talks about how perfect you are but it’s in an overstated tone. The statement may seem harmless, but it isn’t. Maya Angelou calls this, “blow bite’n blow,” when someone gives you a back-handed compliment. Pull your cousin to the side and point out that the compliments oftentimes feel disingenuous and that they are unwelcomed by you if they aren’t sincere.
5) Your date calls you nicknames directed at your weight. Let your date know that this is hurtful and it’s causing you to feel more self-conscious. Point blank: you’d like the teasing to stop. If the mockery continues, start looking for another date.
6) Your close friend will not give a compliment, but is full of correction. Let him know you appreciate his advice, but hearing only negative feedback is off-putting.
You don’t have to point your finger near someone’s eye to get your message across. Nor is it your job to try and interpret the intent behind a person’s insult or mean spiritedness. You’re speculation could be off base. You simply want to deter any potential on-going patterns of hurtful words, which needless to say, carry tremendous negative weight.
Keep in mind; we’ve all said something that has offended someone else. Make a deliberate effort to exemplify the behavior you want to receive from others. It’s salubrious for us to lift up individuals opposed to tearing them down. Let’s commend one another!
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